You've heard it a hundred times before, "hardest job in the world!" Some little nugget delivered with a chipper tone and a happy face. It's been a long time since I've wanted to punch someone as badly as I want to tonight. "The toughest job you'll ever do!" Fuck off.
What no one will ever tell you (my dear unwed, un-mother,) is how the "toughest job" will tap your very soul, to the point of emptiness. It will bring you to the edge of your sanity, to the darkest place you never thought existed inside you - you'll have thoughts you wouldn't wish on a stranger.
I love my children, I love my family....but when I've run flat out of resources, when my patience is '86, I become the worst version of myself. I become a person I would take away from my own kids.
The problem here is the 24-7 aspect of this existence. There is no "weekend" there is no clocking out. It just keeps going - morning into afternoon, into evening, into middle-of-the-night utter-fucking-blindness....then, it's morning again.
Is it that my kids are still young? (1, 3, & 5)
Is it that I lament a loss of control over my own life? I'm not exactly sure. Even in the days when I was working full time for horrific bosses (I've had my share) was I more content then with my overall lifestyle? hmmm. I need to think on that one. Maybe it's becasue what I'm doing matters so very very much. I'm trying to build humans here. I fuck this up and it's like sending three dysfunctional beings out into the world to fend for themselves and goodness knows what damage they could end up doing.
Maybe I just take life too seriously, I watch far too much cable news. The human race can feel hopeless when one looks too closely or thinks about too many things at once. I should watch a few sitcoms once and a while. The Daily Show has been on re-airs, without Jon, all is bleak!
My sense of humor is so far away tonight - I don't even remember what it is to say, or do anything funny. I can't remember when was the last time I laughed. A tragic state of epic proportions.
Maybe I should just try some ipod therapy. Better luck tomorrow.
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